Beginning to bounce back

This is going to fall under the realm of TMI, I'm sure. But if it makes one person stop and think about themselves or someone they know, then it will be worthwhile.

I don't hide the fact that I live with depression. I don't like to say "suffer from" because I find that the phrase alone has negative aspects. Nope, I live with it on a daily basis. It is part of my life and part of what makes me who I am. I am not defined by the fact that I have a chemical imbalance, but it is in the definition of me (KIM: Wife, mother, knitter, garden center employee. Likes mystery novels, trips to Vermont, and her kid's crazy laugh. Can be seen frequently on the computer. Lives with depression)

However, I am unusual because I do talk about it! So many people don't because they are afraid of how others will see them. It's nothing to be afraid of, you can't 'catch' it like a cold, and it doesn't mean that I'm crazy. (I don't need depression as an excuse to be crazy!) It is just something that not a lot of people understand. But they should! Oh they should, they should, they should!!!

One of the aspects of my depression is something called Premenstural Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). Yes, the chemicals in my body that make me 'happy' are out of whack, and when I'm PMSing they sometimes get one hell of a lot worse. This goes beyond the usual cravingforchocolateI'mcrankyleavemealoneIwanttocry type PMS. No, no! This is more like giant industrial sized PMS with steel pointed toes mashing me to a pulp.

I mean, I'm sitting here typing this feeling OK, knowing that I'm up way too late and will pay for it in the morning, but relatively at peace with myself and the world. Two days ago, well...I can't tell you just how black my view of life and the world was because I don't know how to describe it so you would understand. It was a sudden plunge into a very deep hole.

And it can be just as quick a recovery, because when 'that time of the month' rolls around the chemicals in my body realign themselves once more the fog in my head lifts. It really can be like emerging as a whole new person. (And a much nicer one at that! I can be a real b!tch, above and beyond b!tch. Remember Mommy Dearest? That's mild.-not that I aim it at my kid!!! I try hard not to!!!)

Anyhow, that's where I've been the past few days, locked inside a black hole. Part of what gets me through is knowing that it is a temporary state, and that in a few days it will have passed. But it can be a very long few days. I'm coming out of it now, which is a relief. I even think the cramps are a good thing!

Anyhow, if you made it this far, click on the link above and learn more about PMDD. (btw-I answered yes to every question on the test). And if anyone ever wants or needs to talk, my mailbox is always open.